This week on the Passion Struck podcast, I speak with Dr. Sunita Sah, a physician, behavioral scientist, and Cornell professor whose research reveals why we comply, what stops us from defying authority, and how we can reclaim integrity through the power of no.
Why We Say Yes When We Want to Say No
Most people do not say yes because they truly agree. They say yes because they fear the cost of saying no.
From childhood, we are rewarded for politeness, obedience, and compliance. We learn that being good means being agreeable and that belonging depends on pleasing others. Over time, this creates what Dr. Sah calls default compliance, the automatic habit of obeying or staying silent to avoid conflict.
โWe think we are making independent choices,โ she says, โbut often we are just trying to maintain harmony at the expense of our own integrity.โ
This deeply human instinct to conform is reinforced by culture, hierarchy, and belonging. Whether in a workplace, a classroom, or a family, subtle authority cues and group silence shape our behavior. Compliance feels safe, yet it gradually erodes confidence and authenticity until we forget what an honest yes feels like.
The Hidden Cost of Compliance and the Power of No
Defiance often appears risky, yet compliance carries the greater and quieter cost.
Dr. Sahโs research shows that chronic compliance leads to emotional exhaustion, regret, and moral fatigue. People who suppress their values to maintain peace often experience stress, anxiety, and even physical symptoms. The price of obedience is usually paid in silence and self-betrayal.
As a physician, Dr. Sah once agreed to an unnecessary medical scan simply to avoid being seen as difficult. She knew it was not needed but went along anyway, and that moment changed her understanding of courage. โKnowledge alone is not enough,โ she reflects. โYou must practice defiance before you need it.โ
This is the hidden power of no. Each time you say no to what conflicts with your values, you say yes to your integrity. Start small. Practice boundaries in low-stakes situations so that when it truly matters, courage arises naturally.
Key Takeaways
- Compliance is automatic, while defiance is intentional
- No is not rejectio,n but a declaration of alignment
- True consent requires awareness and freedom
- Integrity grows through practice and reflection
- Defiance spreads through example and courageous leadership
From Compliance to Consent
One of the most transformative insights from Dr. Sunita Sah is the difference between compliance and consent.
Compliance is an automatic yes. Consent is a conscious yes.
Drawing from her medical background, she explains that true consent requires capacity, knowledge, understanding, freedom, and authorization. When any of these are missing, we are not choosing freely but submitting to expectation.
โConsent and defiance are two sides of the same coin,โ she explains. โBoth come from within. Compliance comes from without.โ
When we cultivate informed and intentional decision-making, every no becomes an act of self-respect and every yes becomes a statement of clarity.
The Moral Maverick Mindset
If compliance is the default, values are the compass that help us find our way back.
Dr. Sahโs Defiance Compass begins with two questions. Who am I? What does a person like me do in a situation like this? These questions transform defiance from a reaction into reflection. They connect identity to action and turn moral intent into moral behavior.
โHow we act again and again becomes who we are,โ she reminds us.
Those who live by this principle become what she calls moral mavericks. They uphold their integrity even when it is inconvenient. They are not rebels. They are quiet reformers who change culture through consistency.
Figures like Rosa Parks, Darnella Frazier, and Greta Thunberg never sought recognition. They simply acted according to conscience. Each of them sparked what Dr. Sah calls the Defiance Domino Effect, a ripple that gives others permission to live with integrity.
Her roadmap for developing a moral maverick mindset includes three steps. Recognize influence and notice when external forces shape your decisions. Pause before you comply and create space to choose consciously. Redefine courage as the ability to act in alignment with your values even when fear is present.
The Freedom in Defiance
We are all trained for compliance. To live with authenticity, we must train for defiance.
Dr. Sah believes that courage can be strengthened through repetition. Small acts of honesty and boundary-setting prepare us for larger acts of integrity. Leaders play a critical role in shaping these environments. โWhen leaders reward honesty instead of obedience, they transform culture,โ she says.
Defiance is not destruction. It is designed. It shapes stronger communities, healthier workplaces, and truer lives.
As part of our series The Stories That Shape Us, Dr. Sah reveals defiance as one of the unseen forces that define identity. Every time we say no from a place of integrity, we reinforce who we are and reclaim freedom from fear.
True freedom is not found in agreement. It is found in authenticity.
Applying the Practice: How to Stand Firm in Real Life
Learning how to stand firm is not about sudden rebellion. It is about preparation. Dr. Sah recommends a simple practice that turns intention into instinct. Before entering a meeting, a medical consultation, or any situation where pressure may arise, pause and identify your non-negotiables. Decide what matters most before the moment tests you.
During the interaction, if you feel the familiar pull to agree too quickly, slow down. Ask one clarifying question. Breathe. Remember that silence is not weakness but space for reflection. This is how to stand firm in the everyday moments that shape character: by replacing reflex with reflection and letting values, not fear, guide the final word.
RESOURCES FROM THE SHOWย WITH DR. SUNITA SAH
Please note that some of the links on this page (books, movies, music, etc.) lead to affiliate programs for which The Passion Struck podcast receives compensation. Itโs just one of the ways we keep the lights on around here. Thank you so much for being so supportive!
- Dr. Sunita Sah’s Site and Social HUB
- Dr. Sunita Sah’s Book ‘Defy’
- *Free companion tools on The Ignited Life (Substack): theignitedlife.net
- *Passion Struck Network: creator-first shows built around mattering, not metricsโpassionstrucknetwork.com
- *Apparel with a message: StartMattering.com โ โYou Matter. Live Like It.โ
About Todayโs Guest, Sunita Sah
Dr. Sunita Sah is a physician, behavioral scientist, and the author of Defy: The Power of No in a World That Demands Yes. She is an internationally recognized expert on ethics, influence, and decision-making, whose groundbreaking research explores how social pressuresโfrom authority, hierarchy, and expectationsโshape human behavior and moral judgment.
Currently a Professor of Management and Organizations at Cornell Universityโs SC Johnson College of Business, Dr. Sah also serves as a Faculty Fellow at the Edmond J. Safra Center for Ethics at Harvard University. Her work has been published in leading journals such as Science, The New England Journal of Medicine, and The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA), and her insights have been featured by The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Economist, Forbes, and NPR.
Next Steps
You can listen to my full interview with Dr. Sunita Sah on Passion Struck (Episode 679) wherever you get your podcasts. We explore the neuroscience of compliance, the psychology of moral courage, and how to cultivate defiance that heals rather than divides.
And if youโre looking for a way to help the next generation understand their worth, my new childrenโs book You Matter, Lumaโthe first story in The Matteringverseโขโis now available for presale. Itโs a reminder for kids (and adults alike) that the smallest acts of self-respect and kindness can create ripples of change.
Stop existing. Start mattering.