We often hear about the classic trauma responses: fight, flight, or freeze. But there is a fourth response—one that hides in plain sight, masquerading as kindness or empathy—that keeps countless people stuck in cycles of self-abandonment. It is called fawning.
In this episode of Passion Struck, I sit down with Dr. Ingrid Clayton, clinical psychologist and author of Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back. Ingrid brings extraordinary depth to the conversation, not only as a clinician but also as someone who has lived through complex trauma herself. She helps us name the fawn response for what it is: a survival instinct that once kept us safe, but can cost us our authenticity, our boundaries, and our sense of self.
What Is Fawning?
At first glance, fawning looks like simple people-pleasing. You say yes when you want to say no. You anticipate others’ needs before your own. You shape-shift in relationships, workplaces, or even in friendships just to keep the peace. But beneath the surface, fawning is not about generosity; it is about survival. It emerges when fight, flight, or freeze are unavailable or dangerous, and the nervous system learns that appeasing others is the safest option.
As Ingrid explains, fawning is less about what happened to us and more about the absence of safety in the relationships that shaped us. It is an intelligent adaptation to trauma, but one that leaves us feeling invisible, resentful, and disconnected from who we really are.
The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing
One of the most eye-opening moments in our conversation is when Ingrid unpacks the hidden costs of fawning. It may appear to be empathy, caretaking, or professional success. You may even get praised for being so agreeable, reliable, or selfless. But inside, survivors often feel hollow. They’ve built identities around meeting everyone else’s needs while neglecting their own.
Ingrid shares how this shows up everywhere: in marriages where boundaries dissolve, in careers where overwork leads to burnout, even in money patterns where people over-give financially as another way of buying safety or belonging. Left unchecked, fawning can rob us of joy, agency, and self-trust.
“Fawning is a relational trauma response. It’s not just about what happened, but about how unsafe or unsupported we felt in the relationships that shaped us.”
DR. INGRID CLAYTON
Ingrid Clayton on Why Do We Fawn and How to Stop
A powerful message runs through this episode: you are not broken, and you are not to blame. Fawning made sense. It was your body’s way of keeping you safe in unsafe conditions. But you don’t have to live this way forever. Healing is possible, and it begins with compassion.
Ingrid moves us past labels like “people pleaser” or “codependent” and offers a trauma-informed framework that reframes fawning as brilliance in survival. From there, she shows us how to create space for something new: authentic self-expression, healthy boundaries, and deeper connection.
A Framework for “Unfawning”
One of the most powerful parts of this conversation is Ingrid’s stepwise sequence for moving out of chronic fawning:
Notice → Name → Normalize → Lower the Bar → Practice Tiny Boundary Reps
- Notice: Pay attention to what happens in your body when you feel pressure to appease. Is there tightness, shallow breathing, or a drop in energy?
- Name: Identify what you’re experiencing as fawning rather than “just being nice.” Naming interrupts shame.
- Normalize: Remind yourself that fawning made sense in unsafe environments. Your body is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe.
- Lower the Bar: Instead of expecting yourself to suddenly set perfect boundaries, begin with small experiments. Lowering the bar lowers defenses.
- Practice Tiny Boundary Reps: Try a gentle “no,” ask for more time before answering, or state a small preference. Each rep builds capacity.
A Story of Healing Fawning
What makes Ingrid’s message so powerful is that it is rooted in her own story. She opens up about childhood abuse, narcissistic relationships, and how alcohol once served as a numbing mechanism. Choosing sobriety became her first act of unfawning, and it revealed her resilience and intelligence. That choice set her on a path to becoming a psychologist and author. Today, she helps others understand that healing is not about erasing the past, but about integrating it with compassion and clarity.
Her story reminds us that while trauma shapes us, it does not have to define us. With awareness, practice, and support, we can move from surviving to thriving.
Why This Episode Matters
If you’ve ever found yourself unable to say no, if you’ve stayed too long in relationships that drained you, or if you’ve felt like you’re disappearing in your own life, this conversation will resonate deeply. It will give you language for what you’ve been experiencing and hope that things can change.
By the end of the episode, you’ll not only understand why you fawn, but you’ll also see a path forward—one that leads to freedom, authenticity, and renewed purpose.
RESOURCES FROM THE SHOW WITH INGRID CLAYTON
Please note that some of the links on this page (books, movies, music, etc.) lead to affiliate programs for which The Passion Struck podcast receives compensation. It’s just one of the ways we keep the lights on around here. Thank you so much for being so supportive!
- Dr. Ingrid Clayton’s Website
- Dr. Clayton’s Instagram
- Dr. Clayton’s Facebook
- BUY Dr. Clayton’s Book, ‘Fawning’
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About Today’s Guest, Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Ingrid Clayton, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, author, and trauma expert in private practice in Los Angeles. Her work integrates Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, and other body-based therapies to help clients recover from complex trauma.
She is the author of Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma, and Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice.
Next Steps
To learn more about Dr. Ingrid Clayton, visit her website, follow her on Instagram, or pick up her book Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back.
You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, Google Podcasts, or YouTube, and be sure to check out our Starter Packs on Spotify to dive deeper into related topics.
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